It seemed I dozed on the periphery for a long time, observing the coming and going of weather, of the seasonal hum of insects and flowers and the blooming and withering of all things; of all things, that is, that I could see and had the capacity to comprehend.
There was time when I believed that I had very little say about my life. There was a time when I believed I had no authority to confront not just the challenges, but the horrific experiences I endured as a child. As a child I believed that’s just the way things were; that’s just how life is. Later, as the daughter of impoverished immigrants who did not speak English as their first language, I continued to find numerous reasons to support my impression that I was a victim of circumstances, and that my lot in life was destined to be one of severe limitation. Certainly, as children we are dependent; we have not come into ourselves, and we do not possess the same powers of self-awareness, intellect and ferocity that we do as adults, so it is easy to make meaning about what life is, and to hold on to that meaning because it made so much sense at the time. I did, however, come in with an insatiable curiosity to understand both etiology and causation, and it was this deep need to KNOW how everything comes together that was compelling enough to keep me going where I might have otherwise given up. This is not to say that I do not, from time to time, retreat. Inevitably, something always kicks my ass and forces me to get up off the ground.
I was forced to engage. I had to eat to live. I had to dress for warmth and protection. I had to go to school and interact (to some greater or lesser extent) with the other children. At night, I entered the realm of dreams and fostered relationships and strange connections with the inhabitants of other worlds and dimensions. Bit by bit, all my experiences, those from the vantage of quiet observation and those from intentional participation, merged and integrated and offered me perspective, a handle I could grab, and even some kind of anchor I could hook myself to. By simply being – whether here or in other less tangible locations – I was led inevitably to carve out a consciousness unique to me.
And that unique perspective, that consciousness, this idiosyncratic way I have of perceiving and holding experience and then of communicating it back, is what led me to exactly where I am. Because I chose to stay alert and aware – kicking and screaming some of the time to be sure – no moment I spent sleeping or awake has been wasted. The sum cumulative of all I have ingathered, and all that has blasted itself against me, is what I bring to this moment. It is the same for all of us. These are the things that give us shape and form and that bring us to who we are.
Over time I awoke to the realization that I am an integral, inseparable part of All That Is, and that the All That Is is the most powerful and dignified, the most ultimately infinitely creative and loving force that holds all possibility, and even if I possess just one drop of that power, just one morpheme of that capacity, nothing can stop me from becoming. For I am Tao’s pioneer, Its very own reconnaissance agent.
And so how can I not see myself as the Source of my experience? The more I accept full responsibility for being the creator of my own life, the more I download my true inheritance. The more I can flow with what is, with what happens, not just deflecting blows but dancing with them, the more I can step into my capacity to create my life. Even though there are many events that truly appear to be the result of other people’s choices, it is most empowering to be willing to be wholeheartedly accountable for all of it. By accepting unconditional responsibility for everything that has ever happened to us, we become the master of our own lives.
Now it is time to step into who I am, to open to fully embracing the next level of beingness that life wishes to express through me, and to take it on with everything I’ve got. I have only a glimmer of what I am about to embark on, but I am filled with desire to pursue this journey, for I know that in this process, all of who I came here to be will have the opportunity to be unleashed. Welcome the unprecedented for my life.
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